As part of research into a recent article, I ventured into …shudder… nature.

Here’s my story.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:24 PM

Heading north on Central Park West. I haven’t been above 86th Street in six months. This is uncharted territory, and I don’t know what I will find. I only hope I get a cell signal.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:41 PM

I’ve reached the 103rd Street entrance to Central Park and am about to step in. I see people throwing balls and lying on blankets. They will probably be the last humans I encounter for awhile.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:43 PM

Here I am, at the entrance to the park’s legendary North Woods. The path looks safe so far, but in this harsh environment, things can spiral out of control quickly. I must keep a vigilant watch for threats.

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:46 PM

Not even three minutes later, I encounter this odd creature. Look at its giant beak and unnerving webbed feet. Why is its head green? What is it looking at? I back away slowly, avoiding eye contact.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:47 PM

Phew. Made it past without incident.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:48 PM

Not long after, I come across this venerated waterfall. The water cascades from a height of four feet, showing Mother Nature’s awesome power… and her wrath.

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:50 PM

A few feet later, I find the remains of this large beast. There is no way of knowing how it died or how long it’s been here. I step quickly past, pondering the epic battle that must have felled this leviathan.

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:53 PM

I’m near the end of my journey. But first, I must make my way through this tunnel. It mocks me with its gaping maw, each stone a tooth that could chomp me like so many blades of grass in the mouth of a cow.

I stop to think of my loved ones and wonder what to order from Seamless later.

But I can’t stall forever, so I take a deep breath and step into the abyss.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:53 PM

I made it out alive! I can’t really talk about what happened in the tunnel, but suffice it to say I will sleep with the lights on going forward.

In the distance, I see civilization. From here it’s just a short trek to 96th Street and a waiting Uber.

It was a test of my will and mettle, but I’ve emerged from this expedition stronger than I ever could have imagined. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t handle now! I’ve looked my deepest fears in the eye and punched them in the face.

Wait – what the hell is that? Oh my god… tell my cat I love her. I —

Note: The account cuts off here. It was found on a bar stool at Fred’s, so it’s unclear what happened to the author. However, the bartender reports a large amount of Rosé missing so it’s possible she may turn up.