Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

Posted in Random Musings by SnoopK8

People often ask me* how I keep things in perspective while constantly voyaging from to one exotic locale to another. For example, just this month, I traveled to Albany, Syracuse AND Lakeville, CT. I guess I would have to credit my strict Quaker upbringing and solid Midwestern values for keeping me grounded. Or since I’m neither Quaker nor from the Midwest, it’s probably just the boxed wine.

In any case, here are some snaps from my latest trip, during which I visited some of the hottest spots in upstate New York and northwest Connecticut.

Stop 1: The Fountain Restaurant, Albany, NY

Like its legendary counterparts, Raffles in Singapore and Harry’s in Paris, The Fountain is known for its impeccable service, gourmet fare (try the nachos made with Doritos!) and classic cocktails. The Miller Lite draft rivals that of the finest watering holes under Port Authority. If you’re lucky, you will spot a celebrity – maybe jazz great Skip Parsons, former Albany Mayor Jerry Jennings, or even my mom. The bar seats tend to fill up with people who sat down in 1987 and haven’t gotten up since, so get there early to snag a prime spot, possibly one near the jukebox that plays Tom Petty all night.

Albany_Fountain

Stop 2: Private Residence, Jamesville, NY

After a quick ride on the New York State Thruway, a journey that took me past rust-belt-chic vistas of abandoned factories and crumbling infrastructure, my next stop was Jamesville, just outside Syracuse. There I visited a 19th century private residence that is home to many priceless works of art, including this one, by a 7-year-old artist known only as “Phoebe.”

Syracuse_Chia_Pet

Critics, most notably me, have hailed this evocative mixed-media installation as “terrifying,” and “like something out of a Post-Trumpian nightmare.” It’s clear that this emerging artist has a lot to say and I look forward to seeing her work in the Whitney one day.

Stop 3: Scotch ‘N Sirloin, DeWitt, NY

scotchandsirloin

This delightful throwback pays homage to a simpler time, when Jimmy Carter was in the White House, Gloria Gaynor was on the radio and VD was just a punchline on a Very Special Episode of Good Times. Ensconce yourself in an overstuffed red pleather booth and order a White Zinfandel. Savor the crisp iceberg lettuce and tangy ranch dressing at the over-chilled salad bar. Admire the dark wood-paneling seasoned with forty years of nicotine stains and cigarette smoke. If you’re lucky, you’ll catch a faint whiff of Old Spice and Harvey’s Bristol Cream as the Ghost of Divorcés Past glides by, clanging his gold chain and asking you to help him put the “lay” in malaise. Yes, dinner at the Scotch ‘N Sirloin is truly a journey to a classier, much more glamorous era.

Stop 4: A Random Lake, Lakeville, CT

Next on the list is this marina on a random lake in the aptly named hamlet of Lakeville, CT. These luxury vessels can seat up to two people and are eco-friendly, fueled by an alternative energy known as “paddling.” Amenities include life jackets (not pictured).

Lakeville_Boats

Stop 5: Hotel room, Lakeville, CT

Finally, I never travel without a healthy organic snack, and this trip was no exception. I found these artisanal crackers at a gourmet market called CVS (pronounced, I believe, “CIV-iss”) in Millerton, NY. Made with real cheez, these paleo-friendly tidbits pack a zesty crunch and are high in sodium. You can find them at specialty stores, gas stations and vending machines pretty much anywhere.

Lakeville_Cheezits

Well, there you have it: highlights from my whirlwind tour across two states. I hope you enjoyed it!

*Literally no one has ever asked me that.

And now for some Shameless Self-Promotion

My latest opus from Matador:

Border Run! 6 Awesome International Cities Only a Quick Flight from the East Coast

Many thanks to my favorite Canadaphile, Allison, for the tips on Toronto.

And! I’m huge in Japan. Huge!

6 Mistakes a Traveler Tends to Commit in New York

This was reprinted on Japanese website Tabi Labo and the Google translation is amazing. My favorite line is “If you absolutely want to go to Staten Island, let’s do that.” Let’s indeed.

As always, thanks for indulging my nonsense. Drop a line or share if you like it.

xoxo,
SnoopK8

15Jun2017

12.7 Minutes

Posted in Random Musings by SnoopK8

As part of research into a recent article, I ventured into …shudder… nature.

Here’s my story.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:24 PM

Heading north on Central Park West. I haven’t been above 86th Street in six months. This is uncharted territory, and I don’t know what I will find. I only hope I get a cell signal.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:41 PM

I’ve reached the 103rd Street entrance to Central Park and am about to step in. I see people throwing balls and lying on blankets. They will probably be the last humans I encounter for awhile.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:43 PM

Here I am, at the entrance to the park’s legendary North Woods. The path looks safe so far, but in this harsh environment, things can spiral out of control quickly. I must keep a vigilant watch for threats.

CPArch

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:46 PM

Not even three minutes later, I encounter this odd creature. Look at its giant beak and unnerving webbed feet. Why is its head green? What is it looking at? I back away slowly, avoiding eye contact.

duckyeah

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:47 PM

Phew. Made it past without incident.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:48 PM

Not long after, I come across this venerated waterfall. The water cascades from a height of four feet, showing Mother Nature’s awesome power… and her wrath.

CPFalls

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:50 PM

A few feet later, I find the remains of this large beast. There is no way of knowing how it died or how long it’s been here. I step quickly past, pondering the epic battle that must have felled this leviathan.

fallentree

Wednesday May 31, 2017. 5:53 PM

I’m near the end of my journey. But first, I must make my way through this tunnel. It mocks me with its gaping maw, each stone a tooth that could chomp me like so many blades of grass in the mouth of a cow.

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

I stop to think of my loved ones and wonder what to order from Seamless later.

But I can’t stall forever, so I take a deep breath and step into the abyss.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017. 5:53 PM

I made it out alive! I can’t really talk about what happened in the tunnel, but suffice it to say I will sleep with the lights on going forward.

In the distance, I see civilization. From here it’s just a short trek to 96th Street and a waiting Uber.

uwscastle

It was a test of my will and mettle, but I’ve emerged from this expedition stronger than I ever could have imagined. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t handle now! I’ve looked my deepest fears in the eye and punched them in the face.

Wait – what the hell is that? Oh my god… tell my cat I love her. I —

rockyraccoon

Note: The account cuts off here. It was found on a bar stool at Fred’s, so it’s unclear what happened to the author. However, the bartender reports a large amount of Rosé missing so it’s possible she may turn up.

NYC Deep Cuts

What is this guy even doing?

Another Matador piece, born from my desire to avoid people whenever possible. If you’re looking for some less-on-the-radar places to chill in NYC, check these out.

Six Incredible Places You Didn’t Know Were in NYC

26May2017

NYC Tourist Mistakes

Posted in Random Musings by SnoopK8

I recently had another article published on Matador Network. Here’s the unedited version with all the snark that God intended.

The 6 Biggest Mistakes Tourists Make When Visiting New York City

A true misanthrope would argue that the biggest mistake a tourist can make visiting NYC is coming in the first place, but that’s not nice and I want to dispel the myth that all New Yorkers are A-holes. I can personally attest to the fact that New Yorkers are much nicer than people in other Northeast U.S. metro areas – I’m looking at you, Boston – but we have a lot on our minds and are probably already late for something (thanks, MTA!). So here are a few tips to avoid our wrath and make the most of your visit to the greatest city in the world.

Chrysler? I don’t even know ‘er!

Mistake: Getting in the way

First, the bad news. You’re probably in our way. We get it. You’re here on vacation and you have all day to embrace the aromas and ambiance of Midtown. You want to admire the Christmas windows at Saks or Bergdorf’s, or maybe take a selfie in the middle of Seventh Avenue. Hey, we were all tourists once. All we ask is that you move a little faster, step to the side when you decide to stop suddenly, and for the love of God, don’t walk more than two abreast on the sidewalk. (Yes, I just said “abreast.”) As mentioned above, New Yorkers are always in a hurry, whether it’s to close a billion-dollar deal, or more likely, get to El Azteca before $5 frozen margarita happy hour ends. So we implore you to move over and let us get on with our business.

Worth knocking over a bitch for

Mistake: Never leaving tourist areas

Of course you wouldn’t go to Paris for the first time without checking out the Eiffel Tower, nor would I expect you to come to NYC without braving Times Square’s Menacing Elmos or taking a selfie on top of the Empire State Building. Yes, the new Freedom Tower is spectacular and the view from the Brooklyn Bridge is unparalleled. But if you limit yourself to the areas clogged with fellow tourists, you’re missing out on some of the city’s untapped magic.

Walk two or three blocks west from Times Square and you’ll find tons of bars, restaurants, and cafes on Ninth and Tenth Avenues that are reasonably priced and not crowded . For example, if you’re in the mood for meat, try Hallo Berlin for beer and sausages or Ariana for authentic Afghan kebabs and friendly service. Or if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the city and dreaming of the beach, try Réunion for great Happy Hour specials and a laid-back surfer vibe. Regroup before dinner with a late-afternoon espresso or glass of wine at Tartina.

Take the 2, 3, B or C train to 110 Street for the lesser known but still beautiful north part of Central Park, which even has a swimming pool that becomes an ice skating rink in the winter. From there it’s just a short walk to Morningside Park and St. John the Divine Cathedral, one of the five largest church buildings in the world.

If you feel up to risking an outer borough, take the N or R train to Astoria (Queens), where you’ll find Aliada, one of the neighborhoods many renowned Greek restaurants, and Bohemian Hall, NYC’s oldest beer garden. If you like history, pastoral surroundings and dead people, take the R to 25^th Street in Brooklyn for Green-Wood Cemetery, the permanent resting place of composer Leonard Bernstein, artist Jean-Michel Basquiat, and a veritable Who’s Who of important historical figures.

Who all have a kick-ass view

The Bronx of course has the Bronx Zoo, the New York Botanical Garden and Arthur Avenue – NYC’s “real” Little Italy, all of which are subway accessible. If you really want to go to Staten Island, well okay. (Are you sure?) You can take the Staten Island ferry for free while getting unbelievable views of lower Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. The forgotten borough is also home to the Staten Island Yankees, the Bronx Bombers’ minor league affiliate, where you can see a baseball game with a great view at a fraction of the cost of Yankee Stadium.

And you get to ride on these adorable orange boats!

Mistake: Expecting to get anywhere on the subway

Okay so you’ve decided to venture outside of Times Square. Depending on the time of day and where you’re going, traffic is probably terrible so you’ve decided to take the subway. Which is like deciding to get punched in the stomach instead of getting punched in the face. In theory, you can efficiently travel all over the five boroughs with one $2.75 swipe of your MetroCard, but I think that only happened once, to one person, in 2006.

According to NYC’s Public Advocate, 75,000 trains were delayed in 2016, up from 65,000 in 2015. Anecdotal evidence (my commute) indicates this is true. Just last month, four subway lines were shut down for 12 hours because of “signal problems,” ruining the day for hundreds of thousands of commuters. You’d think that North America’s largest transit system would be held together by something other than duct tape and paper clips.

But at least it’s clean

And if it’s a weekend, any pretense of a “schedule” or “route” disappears completely. You think you’re on your way, then you hear the dreaded words, “Because of construction…” Just one example of a recent weekend service change:

Go home, MTA, you’re drunk

So what’s the solution? Well, there’s always CitiBike. Or just take the cab. What you lose in time and money, you’ll save in sanity.

Mistake: Paying full price for drinks

After all that aggravation, you’re going to need a drink. A glass of wine or a top shelf martini in Manhattan could run you between $13 and $35. That’s not a typo. You’re perfectly welcome to shell out that kind of cash, and if so, please invite me out with you. But if you want to avoid paying more for one Pinot Grigio than some people (i.e. me) would pay for an entire bottle, you must embrace happy hour.

The best way to find a good happy hour is to just walk around – bars and restaurants usually have chalkboards out front listing their drink specials. The greatest day of my life was discovering the TGIF’s next to Grand Central Terminal had $4 wine until 8 pm. And no, I am not embarrassed to admit patronizing a soulless chain restaurant, because $4 wine is $4 wine. (Sadly, this location closed in 2015.)

Worst day everrrrrrrr

If you don’t feel like leaving your hotel without a plan, check out www.nyhappyhours.com, which lets you plug in your neighborhood, the time of day and day of the week and tells you where you can find drink specials. Even better, this “Happy Hours” app (unfortunately only available for IOS) will do the same thing on your mobile phone based on your location.

Mistake: The TKTS booth

According to the Broadway League, the 2015-2016 season was its highest-grossing of all time, taking in a total of nearly $1.4 billion, with attendance surpassing 13.3 million people. In the past, if you wanted to get in on that hot Broadway action, you would have to order tickets ahead of time and pay full price (anywhere from $69 to $199 and more, depending on the show) or wait on line at the TKTS booth for same-day seats. The problem with TKTS, aside from the wait, is they have a limited selection of shows, the seats aren’t always that great and the discounts definitely aren’t the best available.

Never pay full price to watch grown men crawl around in glued-on fur

If you’re super flexible about which show you want to see and don’t care where your seats are, a better option is the TodayTix app. They used to only offer tickets for same-day shows or within one week, but they’ve recently upped the timeframe to 30 days. While you can’t choose your seats, you can pick your price level (orchestra, mezzanine or balcony) and they promise not to sell obstructed views. At first it seemed a little shady to meet their red-jacketed rep in front of the theater to pick up my tickets, but the process went smoothly and I’ve been able to see popular shows such as Wicked and Fiddler on the Roof for very reasonable prices.

Mistake: Waiting on a two-hour line for anything

Okay, full disclosure: this one is optional, because New Yorkers love to wait on line. I don’t know if it’s self-loathing or just a desire to relive the glory days of the Soviet Union, but my fellow Upper West Siders will wait for anything, whether it’s to get into Trader Joe’s on 72^nd Street to buy organic seaweed snacks or outside Good Enough to Eat on a Sunday morning in a blizzard just to get scrambled eggs. I don’t understand it, because there is a perfectly good French Roast up the street with great food and no lines and you can be in and out before you even get to the front of the line at Good Enough.

My point is, I won’t begrudge you waiting on line if you want to pass as a local, but if you want to actually eat a meal in a reasonable amount of time, because it’s 12:30 on a Saturday afternoon and you’re hungover, there is always a better option out there. Whatever the overrated restaurant you’re waiting for, google “alternatives to [name of overrated restaurant]” and you’ll find something. Or just cross the street. It’s NYC for God’s sake, there are good brunch restaurants every three feet.

When it comes to food fads – your Cronuts, Ramen Burgers, scoops of raw cookie dough, you’re going to have to use your own judgment here. I personally wouldn’t wait to get out a burning building, but if you absolutely need that Levain chocolate chip cookie to impress your Insta followers, you do you. Remember: pain is inevitable, waiting on line is optional.

8Dec2016

Problematic Holiday Song: Frosty the Snowman

Posted in Random Musings by SnoopK8

December may be the most problematic month ever, with it’s forced consumerism and celebration of Judeo-Christian values. This is nowhere more apparent than in the outdated, misogynistic, racist music that forces itself upon us from Thanksgiving until New Year’s like so many drunken UVA frat boys. Take, for example, Frosty the Snowman. It was probably intended as a lighthearted analogy to teach children to appreciate the fleeting nature of joy and to seek magic in the mundane, but there is no room for that in 2016.

Let’s explore further.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal.
Problematic: SnowMAN. Promotes binary gendering and suggests patriarchal dominance
Problematic: Jolly. Fat-shaming. Everyone knows “jolly” is a dog-whistle for “fat”
Problematic: Soul. Assumes belief in the spiritual or non-corporal
Problematic: Corn cob. Supports GMOs, corn ethanol and production of high fructose corn syrup
Problematic: Pipe. Promotes tobacco smoking
Problematic: Button. Suggests support for sweat shops and unfair trade practices
Problematic: Two eyes. Discriminates against people with one eye or no eyes
Problematic: Coal. Promotes environmental Armageddon

#Problematic

Frosty the Snowman, is a fairytale, they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know he came to life one day
Problematic: Fairytale. Suggests “othering” of fairies and non-human entities. Also suggests that children (AKA pre-majority adults) would make up stories

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, for when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!
Problematic: Magic. Anti-science
Problematic: Silk. Not vegan

Oh, Frosty, the Snowman, was alive as he could be;
and the children say he could laugh and play,
just the same as you and me.
Problematic: Assumes everyone has the same capacity to laugh and play

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
look at Frosty go.
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
over the hills of snow.
Problematic: Thump. Promotes domestic violence. (Also rhymes with “Trump”)

Frosty the Snowman, knew the sun was hot that day,
so he said, “Let’s run, and we’ll have some fun now, before I melt away.”
NOT Problematic: Illustrates the effects of catastrophic global climate change

Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there, all around the square,
sayin’, “Catch me if you can.”
Problematic: Broomstick. Appropriates Wiccan culture
Problematic: “Catch me if you can.” Suggests competition and promotes rape culture

Rape culture

He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop;
and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, “Stop!”
Problematic: The cop should not have engaged Frosty no matter what he was doing, because #snowlivesmatter

Gentle giant

For Frosty, the Snowman, had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, sayin’ “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday.”
Problematic: “Don’t you cry.” Snowmansplaining and possible bullying

So there you have it. Incontrovertible proof that Frosty the Snowman is one of the most problematic holiday songs ever written.

30Nov2015

Son of Manus Mondays*: Gotta Cut Loose

Posted in Son of Manus Mondays by SnoopK8

Footloose seems to be on cable a lot lately, so to honor that, here is a post from 2005 about the esteemed 1984 film. (Because the 2011 version did not happen. You hear me? DID. NOT. HAPPEN.)

You can read the original post here.

Fry like Bacon, Freshmen piggies!

Signs you live in a town that doesn’t allow dancing:

-People make fun of you for wearing a skinny leather tie to your first day at the new high school
-Hilarity ensues when you explain to your new friends the musical group Men at Work aren’t actually men working
-You are bullied into having a chicken fight with tractors
-You wear slutty red cowboy boots that symbolize how much you want to leave this crappy town
-Your daddy is John Lithgow
-You tell your daddy, John Lithgow, that you’re not even a virgin while yelling at him in church
-Your career tanked after the Fame TV show
-You convince John Lithgow to let you hold your senior dance just over the county line
-You finally realize that heaven helps the man who fights his fear and love’s the only thing that keeps you here

Who knew my career would peak in this dress?

*Yes, I am blatantly recycling posts from a blog that’s been defunct for six years, but I would hate to deprive a new generation of my insights 🙂 I promise I’ll get back to writing new stuff soon.

23Nov2015

Son of Manus Mondays: Happy Hell-idays!

Posted in Son of Manus Mondays by SnoopK8

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and one of the many things I am thankful for is not having to wait tables anymore. (Especially ON Thanksgiving.)

This post is from May of 2005, when the scars of my restaurant service were still fresh. (Click here for the original post.)

Top Five Worst Holidays to Wait Tables (with commentary):

5. BC Graduation (Especially at Pizzeria Uno’s where it’s an orgy of virgin pina coladas and free coke refills. Not to mention you’re dealing with families who think Uno’s is an appropriate place to celebrate the culmination of four years and 60Gs.)

4. St. Patrick’s Day at the Stockyard (four million sweaty, slobbering Brighton townies who have been drinking since 9 am and are too wasted to see, speak, or get out of my way, but not too wasted to dance to that traditional Irish favorite “Brown-Eyed Girl.”)

There’s a new girl in town!

3. Thanksgiving (The year I worked at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving, it was all cross-eyed, twitchy mutants and their moms, clearly too socially retarded to interact with other human beings, which is why they were at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving in the first place. I wish I were exaggerating.)

2. Valentine’s Day (Table after table of greasy-haired guys with thick chests and thicker Mass. accents accompanied by acrylic-nailed, fake-tanned, Tiffany-heart-bracelet-wearing hairdressers asking to sample the White Zin.)

1. Mother’s Day (Restaurant full of people who hate their mothers and mothers who hate their children, trying, sometimes successfully, not to make a scene.)

1a. While not technically a holiday, I once worked a Christmas party for 60 DMV employees, but I still can’t talk about it.

On the other hand, to be fair and balanced, rehearsal dinners and New Year’s Eve are fun to work because everyone is happy, drunk, and most importantly, generous.

Stockyard? More like the Rockyard!

Do you have a shitty job you are thankful is in the past? Let me know!

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

xoxo, SnoopK8

What is this? Back in the day, I had a blog. It’s long been abandoned, but I think the world deserves to hear my wisdom anew. And I was a helluva lot crankier back then, so if you have a moment, why not go back in time and give 2005 Kate a hug.

16Nov2015

Son of Manus Mondays: Do, Re, Mi

Posted in Son of Manus Mondays by SnoopK8

It’s almost Thanksgiving, which means it’s almost time for NBC (or maybe it’s ABC) to show everyone’s favorite schmaltzfest: The Sound of Music.*

Okay, fine, so maybe I kind of love it (but don’t tell anyone). It does, however, raise some questions, which I addressed in this post from 2006.

The Nazis in the Sound of Music have to be the dumbest Nazis ever. Do you mean to tell me they posted guards all over the auditorium during the festival but no one was watching the door? And didn’t Max get punished for so obviously helping the von Trapps escape? And why weren’t the nuns immediately taken to a concentration camp after they dismantled the Nazis’ cars? The only Nazi who showed any initiative was Rolf, and it was probably just because Liesl refused to, shall we say, “deliver his telegram” in the gazebo that night.

You want it, put a ring on it.

Sixteen going on seventeen ain't gettin' any younger, babe.

Sixteen going on Seventeen ain’t getting any younger, babe.

Lessons I’ve learned from the Sound of Music

-The Nazis in Salzburg in September 1939 just didn’t care
-When you’re sixteen going on seventeen, it’s best not to get involved with Nazi youth because they will turn you in at the end of the movie unless you put out
-Governesses are man-stealing bitches (just ask the Baroness)
-While a stiff drink and a lap dance may be among the captain’s favorite things, they are not part of the song
-No one, and I mean no one, knows how to solve a problem like Maria
-The hills may be alive with the sound of music, but it could also be those mushrooms you ate

Perhaps not my best effort, but something to think about while you’re digesting turkey this year.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful Monday.

xoxo, SnoopK8

What is this? Back in the day, I had a blog. It’s long been abandoned, but I think the world deserves to hear my wisdom anew. And I was also a lot crankier back then, so if you have a moment, why not go back in time and give 2006 Kate a hug.

11Nov2015

Boozy Tuesdays: Brandy, You’re a Fine Horse

Posted in Boozy Tuesdays by SnoopK8

Here’s a fabulous idea for your next party. Instead of a keg or a punch bowl (do people still even have punch bowls??), think outside the bottle and provide your guests with the finest Armenian brandy in the finest of vessels: a glass horse.

WTF?

“But wait!” you say, “The holidays are coming!”

Don’t worry, I have your Christmas party covered:

You’re welcome!

I suppose I should explain how I found out about these. My friend’s dad gave her the brandy horse for her birthday (which we named, creatively enough, “Brandy”), and I thought it was so fantastic, he gave me one at Christmas. (We him named “Randy.” [Reindeer + Brandy – are you sensing a theme?])

Randy is SO special, I have vowed not to open him until I win my Tony award or until NYC is hit by a dirty bomb and I have to shelter in place, whichever comes first.

I just googled these guys and all I didn’t realize there were so many to pick from! I want them all. Especially this one.

So what’s your favorite incarnation of Armenian brandy?

As always, thanks for reading and have a fab day!

xoxo,
SnoopK8

9Nov2015

Son of Manus Mondays: Mouse Grouse

Posted in Son of Manus Mondays by SnoopK8

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Boston), my bosses at bostonherald.com sent me to Disney World for an assignment and it was my first (and hopefully last) encounter with Mouse Culture. You can read the original post here.

Diary of a Misanthrope at Disney

Tuesday:

After speaking with the front desk to find out if my room is ready, I am told to have a “magical day.”

Decide to start a running fanny-pack count.

Call off fanny-pack count because I can’t count that high.

We are at the new “Wishes” fireworks show. The name “Wishes” reminds me of the dumbest senior quote to ever grace the pages of my high school yearbook: “if wishes were horses, dreamers would ride.” If wishes were tequila, I’d have a much better disposition.

Hail Satan!

Wednesday:

Summer Media Preview at MGM:

While wandering around the park, I find a street modeled after New York City. I propose a Boston-themed street with potholes, triple-parked cars and the occasional shooting of a teenager at the T-station.

If it were really the “happiest place on earth” there’d be fewer kids and more dogs.

I dig the show tunes.

Sneak Preview at Saratoga Springs Resort (opening later this month):

The newest resort is called Saratoga Springs Resort and Spa, based on Saratoga Springs, N.Y. The resort’s motto is “Health, History and Horses.”

Let’s see. “Health.” Okay, there is a spa. That could be construed as healthy. “History.” If you consider a fake reproduction of upstate New York circa 1870 in the middle of 2004 central Florida historical, then yes, there is history. “Horses.” Hmmm. No horses. No horse races. No betting. They should at least throw in an OTB.

Saratoga Springs Performance Center:

We are gathered for a “surprise announcement” via a live feed from Disneyland in California.

To celebrate Disneyland’s 50th anniversary (for some reason called “The Happiest Homecoming on Earth”), Disney World will import attractions from other Disney parks.

From Tokyo, they will introduce a show called “Cinderellabration,” a story featuring Cinderella and the other Disney princesses. Euro-Disney will contribute its “Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme Stunt Show,” which consists of a bunch of cars going really fast and crashing. I suggest they combine the two and call it the “The Last Days of Princess Di.”

Art Linkletter, who is 93, appears on stage in California to tell a rambling story about Walt Disney and his God complex…I mean his “vision.” If they wheel out Christopher Reeve, I’m leaving.

Reminiscent of the Daniel Pearl hostage video, Captain Tom (of Disney Cruise Lines), surrounded by “crew members” in gold mouse ears, announces the inauguration of west coast cruises.

Terrifying!

Back at my hotel:

My faith in (in)humanity is restored. Today on Oprah: that guy in Syracuse who locked women in his basement dungeon.

The local T.V. station shows a hilarious commercial for something called “Granny Nannies.”

Item in the news: For the second day in a row, a local high school is under lockdown because someone brought in a weapon.

By the pool, there’s a man in a Speedo eating a banana. I don’t know why I think that’s funny.

Epcot:

At an International Media event, we get a VIP viewing of the Siege of Fallujah, I mean, the “Illuminations” fireworks show.

At Epcot, you can safely say, “I see London, I see France…” and not have to finish the sentence with “underpants.”

Thursday:

Magic Kingdom:

I’ve seen two couples (so far) wearing Mickey/Minnie wedding attire, which consists of white mouse ears with an attached veil (for her), and a top hat (for him). This makes me very sad.

Made-up, but possibly true, statistic: Per square foot, there are more strollers here than anywhere else in the world.

T-shirt slogan: “Life is good, Eternal Life is better.”

Animal Kingdom:

Random observations:

Behind the scenes, Animal Kingdom employees ride around the park on blue Schwinns.

I saw a huge container with the sign: “Manure Only.”

The animals are housed in giant buildings with signs that say “Elephant/Building 15” and “White Rhino/Building 16.” I wonder if they have to pass drug tests.

One of the employees working at Tusker House Restaurant looks just like the “O-Face Guy” from Office Space.

The Tree of Life is fake.

What the F, Tree of Life?

Saturday:

Blizzard Beach:

There are entirely too many people here.

Chef Mickey’s at The Contemporary Resort:

As I am surrounded by approximately one million children all hopped up on candy and Mickey Mouse, I wonder idly about the alcoholism rate among Disney employees.

Speaking of Mickey, I don’t like his attitude. The scene at Chef Mickey’s was just like the show “The Restaurant,” where everyone is all, “Where’s Rocco, where’s Rocco?” Like Rocco, Mickey sashays in when he feels like it and expects everyone to make a big deal over him. Whatever.

Overheard: “Connor! Don’t grab his tail!”

Grand Gatherings Fireworks Cruise:

We are in a boat, in the middle of the Seven Seas Lagoon, where we are watching the “Electrical Water Pageant.” Imagine your neighbor’s light-sculpture Christmas decorations, but instead of reindeer, it’s dolphins and fish and alligators. Then it turns patriotic with stars and stripes and flags, which totally reminds me of “Red, White and Blaine!” from the movie “Waiting for Guffman.”

Christopher Guest needs to make a movie about theme parks.

The “Wishes” fireworks display. Again. By this point I’m wishing, fervently, that the boat would capsize.

Sunday:

On the airplane:

To the parents of the child who screamed at the top of his lungs from North Carolina to Logan Airport: please don’t fly ever again.

Where I spent most of my free time

I ‘wish’ I were dead!

So there you have it. 2004’s unhappiest person on earth visited the “happiest” place on earth and lived to tell about it. (You can read the fruits of my Disney labors here if you’re so inclined.)

Do you have a terrifying vacation story?

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

xoxo,
SnoopK8

What is this? Back in the day, I had a blog. It’s long been abandoned, but I think the world deserves to hear my wisdom anew. I was also a lot crankier back then, so if you have a moment, why not go back in time and give 2005 Kate a hug.

This was one of my earliest posts.