December may be the most problematic month ever, with it’s forced consumerism and celebration of Judeo-Christian values. This is nowhere more apparent than in the outdated, misogynistic, racist music that forces itself upon us from Thanksgiving until New Year’s like so many drunken UVA frat boys. Take, for example, Frosty the Snowman. It was probably intended as a lighthearted analogy to teach children to appreciate the fleeting nature of joy and to seek magic in the mundane, but there is no room for that in 2016.

Let’s explore further.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal.
Problematic: SnowMAN. Promotes binary gendering and suggests patriarchal dominance
Problematic: Jolly. Fat-shaming. Everyone knows “jolly” is a dog-whistle for “fat”
Problematic: Soul. Assumes belief in the spiritual or non-corporal
Problematic: Corn cob. Supports GMOs, corn ethanol and production of high fructose corn syrup
Problematic: Pipe. Promotes tobacco smoking
Problematic: Button. Suggests support for sweat shops and unfair trade practices
Problematic: Two eyes. Discriminates against people with one eye or no eyes
Problematic: Coal. Promotes environmental Armageddon

Frosty the Snowman, is a fairytale, they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know he came to life one day
Problematic: Fairytale. Suggests “othering” of fairies and non-human entities. Also suggests that children (AKA pre-majority adults) would make up stories

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, for when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!
Problematic: Magic. Anti-science
Problematic: Silk. Not vegan

Oh, Frosty, the Snowman, was alive as he could be;
and the children say he could laugh and play,
just the same as you and me.
Problematic: Assumes everyone has the same capacity to laugh and play

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
look at Frosty go.
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
over the hills of snow.
Problematic: Thump. Promotes domestic violence. (Also rhymes with “Trump”)

Frosty the Snowman, knew the sun was hot that day,
so he said, “Let’s run, and we’ll have some fun now, before I melt away.”
NOT Problematic: Illustrates the effects of catastrophic global climate change

Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there, all around the square,
sayin’, “Catch me if you can.”
Problematic: Broomstick. Appropriates Wiccan culture
Problematic: “Catch me if you can.” Suggests competition and promotes rape culture

He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop;
and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, “Stop!”
Problematic: The cop should not have engaged Frosty no matter what he was doing, because #snowlivesmatter

For Frosty, the Snowman, had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, sayin’ “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday.”
Problematic: “Don’t you cry.” Snowmansplaining and possible bullying

So there you have it. Incontrovertible proof that Frosty the Snowman is one of the most problematic holiday songs ever written.