Problematic Holiday Song: Frosty the Snowman

December may be the most problematic month ever, with it’s forced consumerism and celebration of Judeo-Christian values. This is nowhere more apparent than in the outdated, misogynistic, racist music that forces itself upon us from Thanksgiving until New Year’s like so many drunken UVA frat boys. Take, for example, Frosty the Snowman. It was probably intended as a lighthearted analogy to teach children to appreciate the fleeting nature of joy and to seek magic in the mundane, but there is no room for that in 2016.

Let’s explore further.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal.
Problematic: SnowMAN. Promotes binary gendering and suggests patriarchal dominance
Problematic: Jolly. Fat-shaming. Everyone knows “jolly” is a dog-whistle for “fat”
Problematic: Soul. Assumes belief in the spiritual or non-corporal
Problematic: Corn cob. Supports GMOs, corn ethanol and production of high fructose corn syrup
Problematic: Pipe. Promotes tobacco smoking
Problematic: Button. Suggests support for sweat shops and unfair trade practices
Problematic: Two eyes. Discriminates against people with one eye or no eyes
Problematic: Coal. Promotes environmental Armageddon

frosty

#Problematic

Frosty the Snowman, is a fairytale, they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know he came to life one day
Problematic: Fairytale. Suggests “othering” of fairies and non-human entities. Also suggests that children (AKA pre-majority adults) would make up stories

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, for when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!
Problematic: Magic. Anti-science
Problematic: Silk. Not vegan

Oh, Frosty, the Snowman, was alive as he could be;
and the children say he could laugh and play,
just the same as you and me.
Problematic: Assumes everyone has the same capacity to laugh and play

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
look at Frosty go.
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
over the hills of snow.
Problematic: Thump. Promotes domestic violence. (Also rhymes with “Trump”)

Frosty the Snowman, knew the sun was hot that day,
so he said, “Let’s run, and we’ll have some fun now, before I melt away.”
NOT Problematic: Illustrates the effects of catastrophic global climate change

Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there, all around the square,
sayin’, “Catch me if you can.”
Problematic: Broomstick. Appropriates Wiccan culture
Problematic: “Catch me if you can.” Suggests competition and promotes rape culture

frostychase

Rape culture

He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop;
and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, “Stop!”
Problematic: The cop should not have engaged Frosty no matter what he was doing, because #snowlivesmatter

frostycop

Gentle giant

For Frosty, the Snowman, had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, sayin’ “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday.”
Problematic: “Don’t you cry.” Snowmansplaining and possible bullying

So there you have it. Incontrovertible proof that Frosty the Snowman is one of the most problematic holiday songs ever written.

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Son of Manus Mondays: Happy Hell-idays!

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and one of the many things I am thankful for is not having to wait tables anymore. (Especially ON Thanksgiving.) 

This post is from May of 2005, when the scars of my restaurant service were still fresh. (Click here for the original post.)

Top Five Worst Holidays to Wait Tables (with commentary):

5. BC Graduation (Especially at Pizzeria Uno’s where it’s an orgy of virgin pina coladas and free coke refills. Not to mention you’re dealing with families who think Uno’s is an appropriate place to celebrate the culmination of four years and 60Gs.)

4. St. Patrick’s Day at the Stockyard (four million sweaty, slobbering Brighton townies who have been drinking since 9 am and are too wasted to see, speak, or get out of my way, but not too wasted to dance to that traditional Irish favorite “Brown-Eyed Girl.”)

              There's a new girl in town!

There’s a new girl in town!

3. Thanksgiving (The year I worked at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving, it was all cross-eyed, twitchy mutants and their moms, clearly too socially retarded to interact with other human beings, which is why they were at the Stockyard on Thanksgiving in the first place. I wish I were exaggerating.)

2. Valentine’s Day (Table after table of greasy-haired guys with thick chests and thicker Mass. accents accompanied by acrylic-nailed, fake-tanned, Tiffany-heart-bracelet-wearing hairdressers asking to sample the White Zin.)

1. Mother’s Day (Restaurant full of people who hate their mothers and mothers who hate their children, trying, sometimes successfully, not to make a scene.)

1a. While not technically a holiday, I once worked a Christmas party for 60 DMV employees, but I still can’t talk about it.

On the other hand, to be fair and balanced, rehearsal dinners and New Year’s Eve are fun to work because everyone is happy, drunk, and most importantly, generous.

Stockyard? More like the Rockyard!

Do you have a shitty job you are thankful is in the past? Let me know!

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

xoxo, SnoopK8

What is this? Back in the day, I had a blog. It’s long been abandoned, but I think the world deserves to hear my wisdom anew.  And I was a helluva lot crankier back then, so if you have a moment, why not go back in time and give 2005 Kate a hug.