People in my Facebook Feed*

*Ok, maybe not MY FB feed because all my friends are normal and I love them.**

(**I’ve hidden them.)

Grim Reaper

Posts “RIP” about every famous or semi-famous person’s death five seconds after it happens. Not just A-list celebrities like your Michael Jacksons or Robin Williamses, but your Maureen O’Haras and your Andy Griffiths and all those other people you never heard of/thought had died in the 80s.

Going through a Breakup

Posts at least one pic a day of a wind-swept tree branch imprinted with a quote about how men are jerks. Sometimes there’s also a sunset.

Inspirational Quoter

Didn’t Maya Angelou ever shut the fuck up? And who the hell is Rumi?

Munchausen by Facebook Syndrome

If it’s Tuesday, she must be getting an experimental treatment for her rare mitochondrial disease or having a kidney removed. (How does she even have any organs left?)

Local Socialite

Posts selfies wearing a large fancy hat to Saratoga Racetrack even though she’s sitting at a picnic table in the Grandstand with a cooler of Coors Light.

LOVE ME

Desperately tags myriad people in her multiple daily status updates in hopes of getting one “like.”

Exhausting

1: Bemoans lack of job, girlfriend and friends for six months. 2: Inexplicably finds girlfriend. 3: Posts every day that he loves her more than anyone ever. 4: Breaks up three weeks later. 5: Starts over.

European Dude

The guy I met in Germany who posts in German so I can’t adequately judge him.

The Friend Who Wishes She Were Irish

Posts a lot of Guinness pics. Thinks every day should be St. Patrick’s Day! Slàinte!

Ex-Boyfriend Who Got Married Recently

She’s fat.

Hashtag Activist

Writes heartfelt post imploring bloodthirsty lunatics to #BringBackOurGirls but thinks Boko Haram is a bespoke denim company from Bushwick.

Depraved Dr. Dolittle

Why post pics of cute fluffy animals with all their limbs when you can post pics of one-eyed cats and three-legged dogs with oozing burn marks from the disfiguring fire they were rescued from?

Crossfit Caveman

We get it. You like to throw around monster-truck tires for fun and eat raw meat directly from the cow’s still-warm carcass. Go away and let the rest of us enjoy our gluten in peace.

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